I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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