my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
