I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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