Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
