You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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