My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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