i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
