Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
