i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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