listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
