I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
