Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
