Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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