Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
