so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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