I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
