My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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