Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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