I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
