I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
