half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Shame is for Republicans.
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