my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
