if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
