I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
