so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
