Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
