if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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