how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
