True but thats because hes a fetus.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
