she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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