After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
