I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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