If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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