i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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