so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I am available for nakedness
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
