I'm eating all of the evidence.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
