You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
