we have officially lost it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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