After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
