i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
