I need to stop coming to work sober
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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