i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
