I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
nut hugger
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
