So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
