your parents love me but you hate me
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
