Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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