Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
