My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
