I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
