is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
