I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
