Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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