I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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