Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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