five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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