Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
